Fix my eyes.

I've been home from eating disorder camp for almost two months now. I am leaving the country for two months in less than 12 hours. It has almost been a year since Ethan's accident. I will start my fourth year off college in the fall. A lot happens in life. It moves fast, and it can feel overwhelming at times.2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says this:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

I have been reading that verse over and over and over again for the last few months. Sometimes it feels like a nice thought, but so far from reality. If I'm honest there are times when I feel crushed, in despair, abandoned, and destroyed. Life moves way to fast and I just wish I could stop time to catch my breathe.

I was looking back through my journal over the past few months and realized that I have been writing the phrase "fix my eyes" over and over again, for probably the same amount of time that I have been re-reading those verses. I realized that when my eyes are fixed on Christ, that verse is true for my life, but when I take my eyes off of Christ, suddenly the world seems to come crashing down on me.

In Hebrews 12:2, we are called to fix our eyes on Christ. I don't think this is out of some vain place in God's heart where He wants all the attention. It is because when our eyes are fixed on Christ, life works the way it was always intended to work.

I've learned that these three things happen when I fix my eyes on Christ.

1.  I see God more clearly. I understand Him in a deeper way. I have a better view of who He is and I fall even more in love with Him.
2. I have a healthy sense of who I am. I understand the depths of being fearfully and wonderfully made. I have confidence in myself, not because of anything I've done, but because of who the Lord has made me to be. Insecurity doesn't rule my life.
3. I am able to give things in my life the proper weight (I know probably bad word choice given my history). Here's what I mean though: things that are happening in my life don't define me. They no longer have the ability to pull me down into the depths, because they don't carry the same weight as they used to. Instead of being afraid of those things; like my brother's death, dealing with an eating disorder, or a bad relationship, I am able to walk through them boldly. Knowing full well that those things to do not have the power to pull me down. Christ far outweighs each of them.

I am incredibly bad at fixing my eyes on Christ though. Even with all this knowledge. I know life will be better. I know the fullness that comes with it, I am still like the dog from Up; letting even the smallest squirrel pull my eyes and my heart away. Why do I do this? I have no idea. If anyone has the answer, I would be eternally grateful to you.Here is my hope though. For the next two months I will be traveling. I don't know what my plan is. It is the first time in a while that I can say I'm truly looking forward to for the chaos that I am about to enter into. This trip is one of my childhood dreams coming true. Even with this amazing adventure lying ahead, I want to fix my eyes on Christ with unwavering pupils. I am excited. I am ready to leave. And I apologize in advance for this blog turning into the cliché college travel blog.