Holding hope.

📷: Holden & Jessie Photography

I’m exhausted. Who isn’t right now? Simple human interactions now take so much effort. So much thought. Sometimes I wish I could crawl under a rock and wake up when all of this is over. We have a vaccine. We have a functioning human running the country. Black lives actually matter.

Blogging about life while it’s happening feels like trying to grab something in a tornado. How do I write about the second year of marriage, a global pandemic, the continued importance to stay engaged in the Black lives matter movement,  joy, an (increasingly worrisome) political system heading into a highly consequential election, and the fact that I learned to drive stick shift in a coherent way?!

Well, I think, I’ll just pick one to write about. Marriage. Okay, but that is so small and inconsequential compared to the other things happening in the world.

Okay, then I’ll talk about the issues I see in the political system and the fears I have around it. Yeah, but I’m no expert. Why would anyone want to read my opinion or insights? I clearly just miss being in school and writing on political systems. Readers shouldn’t have to suffer.

Pandemic. Nope. Old news. Plus, I’ll just get too sad and worked up over the fact that people think wearing a mask to help save lives is too much of a sacrifice. And, like Jason said, the idea of me dying alone and scared in a hospital is overwhelming.

Joy. How grateful I am for the people in my life, past and present that have loved me and supported me. In this economy!? Where so many people feel isolated- seems pretty insensitive.

Grief.  Nah.

Black lives matter. Yes, but I’ve been struggling with how to keep engaging and stay sane. There have been a few nights I just cry and hold on to Jason real tight, terrified of the possibility that he could be the name we chant at protests. I can’t tell people to keep fighting when I know I’m not doing enough.

Driving stick shift. I mean, yeah I’m proud of myself, but there’s not really a story there.

Additionally, I feel like I’ve been more anxious lately and I can’t figure out why. lol.

I’m sure (or at least hopeful) that I’m not alone in this feeling being overwhelmed and exhausted. And, while I don’t quite have hope for me yet, this is my hope for you.

That you know God is sovereign. This world is not our home and it was never intended to feel like it. You are loved and forgiven for all the failures and imperfections. God sees the injustices. He feels the pain of the oppressed. His will is for justice and righteousness to be done and is actively involved in that work.

I hope you continue to walk in love and justice. Knowing the Lord will provide manna for the journey- whether it be a good meal or a good friend.

I hope you can acknowledge the hard feelings. Know they are valid, and be surprised by your capacity to carry on in courage through them.

I hope reading this makes you feel joined and encouraged. You are not alone. You can continue to fight the good fight.

This is the hope I hold for you, but cannot hold for myself yet. I don’t know why hope is easier to hold for others than for ourselves, it just is. I promise to hold this hope for you and maybe you can hold this hope for me and somehow we can find that in holding hope for each other we can not only weather the storm but find beauty in the midst of it.