So couple of things happened in the last two months. I got baptized, finished the hardest semester of college yet, accepted a job (and kind of started it), graduated college, went to the Middle East for a few weeks, moved out of my house (while not actually moving into a new house), said goodbye to all my best friends and the middle school that stole my heart, just to name a few. I averaged about 4 hours a sleep a night until graduation, and now in post-grad “adult” life I think I’ve bumped it up to 6. All of that to say life has felt a little more exhausting and chaotic that usual.
As the dust settles I have found myself in this new place that I have aptly titled: The In-between.
I don’t know about all you people, but I don’t like being in-between things. I’m a rather binary person, so waiting in a gray area for an unspecified and uncontrollable amount of time feels incredibly uncomfortable. The last few weeks have left me wanting desperately to understand, plan, and implement my own plan because I’m impatient and fearful.
I am in a place of uncertainty in almost every area of my life. I moved out of my home, but not into my new home. I’m done with college, but I haven’t fully started my job. My old community of friends is gone, but I’m not able to be present in my new one. I don’t fully know what this next year will look like for me, but as I have reflected and prayed, I have a sneaking suspicion The In-Between season will last longer than I’d prefer. When anything that is not what I would prefer happens my default is to throw a mental temper tantrum. It looks somewhat like what a 3 year old does when they skip nap time and are forced to go to the grocery store without candy, only it’s inside. I want answers, I want to know, and I want it now and its not fair that I have to wait.
Let’s pause here for a moment and acknowledge how incredibly whiny that all sounds? I know, I hate myself too sometimes.
I’m trying this new thing where instead of ignoring the places where I am being bratty, defiant, stubborn, and/or whiny I acknowledge them and bring them to the Lord. I KNOW! It’s a crazy way of doing things, but even crazier is what the Lord is doing. He meets me in those moments with love. He doesn’t make me feel guilty or ashamed. I haven’t been met with anger, and thankfully, He hasn’t given me every thing I wanted. He has simply met me there and nudged me towards truth. The nudges don’t make me feel forced or coerced, but empowered. It is uncharted territory for me.
This new territory has shifted my thoughts towards this season. I’m actually really excited. The job I have is a 1 year commitment, which means I have one year of just being in-between. I get to be in a work environment that is literally designed to give me the space to breath and process and grow, all while doing incredibly meaningful work. WHO GETS THAT!? Jeeeezzzz.
The vision prompted me to revise the title to: The In-between 2.0; new unabridged, extended edition.
I hope that this year is a year of not always going to God because I want something from Him. Whether it’s an answer to what’s next, or what the right decision is, or if this is wrong or right, whatever. I don’t want to just desire the Lord for what He offers me. I want to seek God for who He is. I want the truth of His character and quality to seep into the depths of my mind, body, and heart. I want to simply love God and allow Him to love me.
So often I get caught up in the doing and moving and action that I slip, almost unconsciously, into this belief that I need to be doing something to be worthy. That I am only worthy of God’s love because of what I’m doing for Him. That is a lie. I am loved because He loves me. I am loved because He loves me. I am loved because He loves me. You are loved because He loves you. You are loved because He loves you. You are loved because He loves you.
That is something to soak in.
When I dare to believe that, even just a little, the stress of needing to know falls away. When I trust that he loves me and won’t keep anything from me, but show it to me when the time is right, I don’t need to nag and pester, I just need to sit at his feet. It’s a radical childlike faith that believes that my Father will provide for me all of my needs and point me in the direction He has. It’s believing that I don’t need to know every always because I am secure in the love of the Lord.
So do I know what’s next? Nope. Am I a scared? A little. But whatever, because it’s going to be a wild adventure and I’m HYPE.
*Also big shout out for Dianne Funes for the hotttttt pic