May 22.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I am a counter. I count everything, and this day has been marked in my head for a long time. When I first envisioned this day, I had a very different vision in my head. I thought I would be at home with my family, sitting around, being sad and just grieving the loss of Ethan. I thought I had to be totally paralyzed in grief.

Instead, I was in a small town on a lake in Slovenia. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I had so much fun today. I laughed really hard, did slightly reckless things, and had a pretty good day.

I also didn’t expect to loose my grandfather on Friday night. I was not prepared for that one.  There was no bracing myself, like there was for the one year mark. I woke up Saturday morning (I’m 6 hours ahead) in Ljubljana and scrolled through my Instagram feed, which had a post about it. I wasn’t supposed to find out that way either, but I guess that is just the risk you take with social media. So far I’m 0  for 2 with finding out in a decent way (but who’s counting right?!).

There are so many emotions in my head right now. Joy. Sadness. Heartache. Anger. Happy. Content. Grief. I go from laughing to crying in a matter of seconds. I’m a mess.

But it’s okay…

Really, it is. Because I serve a God that is big enough. For all my crap. He wants my true heart. Which can go from praising Him to questioning Him in the same breathe. I am learning how to give my heart to the Lord each day while I’m here. Not my nicely packaged heart, but my real heart. The really messy one.  It’s nice to be able to give it to someone. Lord knows I don’t know how to handle all of it on my own. I am learning how truly dependent I am on Jesus. It’s a sweet thing to learn in the midst of all of this. It doesn’t belittle what has happened. It doesn’t invalidate the pain. It’s still there, it still hurts.

 

That’s all I have right now, nothing to profound, just a quick thought.

 

P.S. I promise I will post pictures of my first 12 days soon. I have been on the move a lot.

3 Replies to “May 22.”

  1. Your real heart is so very beautiful, and your authentic struggle is, too. I am sorry for your unexpected loss as you braced yourself for the expected. Thank you for laughing and crying and feeling and sharing. Your words are a gift. Keep enjoying the beauty in the midst of the very broken and keep being kind to your heart. Hugs.

  2. Thinking about you and your family. Stay safe!!

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