I have been thinking about this post for a while now. It’s just been one of those things on my to-do list in my head that I have never gotten to. I also think I have been avoiding it. This is my first post without some beautiful analogy that makes life sound so simple and so perfect. But that’s not life now is it? There isn’t always some beautiful metaphor, it is just messy.
I mentioned I was going to see a specialist, and I went. I’ve actually been about three times now, so that’s progress. Through my time with her, it was decided that I needed to take an incomplete in at least a couple classes in order to stay out of the hospital. That was a hard pill to swallow. I had to tell my professors about this eating stuff, I had to be really honest and it was hard. I was met with so much grace. I will never forget what one of my advisors said to me, “Taryn, this is just a hiccup, we will get you through this, this is not forever.” I had forgotten that the way I’m living now is not forever. It feels like forever. It feels so dark. That conversation was a glimpse though. One singular light beam piercing through. I was so excited, it didn’t last. I made a phone call to tell someone about it and was quickly dragged back down. This was last Monday. Since then, a lot has crumbled around me. All of my safety nets have been ripped away. I am home on break, I have to make huge changes to my eating behaviors or else I won’t be allowed to go back to school in two weeks, and the people that used to be my escape at home are not an option right now, and this is my first Christmas without my little brother. I don’t think I have ever felt so alone and abandoned. That’s hard for me to admit, but its honest. I know I am not alone, and that there are many many people who are here for me, but in these couple days, with everyone going home to their families and gearing up for Christmas, I have felt alone (that feeling is probably a bit magnified because I miss my brother).
I was reminded last night that I am not alone. I have learned the hard way that literally nothing else in life is constant except for Jesus. I went for a drive last night by myself, and was alone for 2 hours, which is probably the first time since the accident that has happened. I let myself listen to worship music really loud and literally just screamed. I got furious at God. I realized I have a lot of anger. I demanded a response like a bratty child. I let myself just be a kid for the first time. I did not pretend like I understand what the Lord is doing. Here’s the funny thing about that, I realized God can take it. In fact He wants it. He is not dependent on me, and just wants me to be His child. Not an angel child who never does anything wrong, but a little kid who doesn’t understand anything yet. Who asks their Dad for everything because they are so helpless. That is what Jesus wants from us.
I had been feeling very hopeless these past few days. I would be lying if I said one drive solved it all. I still have to wake up on Christmas morning without my brother tomorrow. My heart is seriously hurting. But I know even if everything and everyone else fails me, I have a Father who wants it all. Who can and will carry me. Who grabs me when I am throwing a tantrum and holds me.
I think I have finally stepped aside and allowed Jesus to wreck my broken tower. He has ripped out the broken blocks and promises to rebuild. I have been reading Jeremiah 33 (my bible literally fell open to it) and 2 Corinthians over and over this week.
Jeremiah 33: 10-11 says:
“ This is what the Lord says: ‘You say about this place, “It is a desolate waste, without people or animals.” Yet in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are deserted, inhabited by neither people nor animals, there will be heard once more the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord, saying,
“Give thanks to the Lord Almighty,
for the Lord is good;
his love endures forever.”
For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says the Lord.”
2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 says:
” We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed,but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
Jesus has promised me this if I fix my eyes on Him. I can get wrapped up in how I am feeling about the desolate wasteland around me. I am not crushed, I am not in despair, I am not abandoned. He will rebuild and it will be beautiful.