Ah, the classic new year reflection post (it’s still January so it counts). At first, I didn’t want to write this because I’m afraid of being ~basic~ but upon further reflection, who gives a shit if I’m a basic biddy or not.
I changed in 2019.
I know that’s true but I have trouble figuring out why or how because I tend to believe that in order to change you must accomplish something. Get good grades, create a new program, finish a task, etc.
Every other year of my life I’ve been able to make a checklist of what I’ve accomplished that’s made me who I am. I can’t do that for 2019.
While I have no list of accomplishments, I have noticed evidence of change.
I used to be a good chameleon. I could contort myself to fit any mold I was asked to fulfill. I can’t do that as well anymore. For lack of a less gross phrasing- I grew bones inside my flesh sack last year which makes fitting into a mold way more painful.
This change scares me. I can’t prove the bones exist outside of myself. I can’t check it off or point to it as an accomplishment. Even if I could, bones live on the inside and would be hella gross if I tried to show them off. All that leaves is my measly ol’ self.
Instead of clothing myself with my accomplishments, I am stripped-down and forced to come face to face with the question that scares me most. Will I still be loved? Am I enough? Am I worthy simply because I exist?
(my heart is pounding in my chest as I write this)
“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing “
This verse was the catalyst for the change the Lord did in my life in 2019. It started with meditating on it. Entering into the verse and giving space for every part of me to experience the promises. The questions I ask are met by an unmistakable voice. It speaks truth to me. Telling me I am loved. I am worthy. I cannot and will not earn it.
With all the evidence submitted for review, I rest my case.
I guess I don’t have to accomplish things. My enneagram 3 self is having trouble grasping that concept. Some of the most radical change happens in complete stillness. WILD.