It’s crazy that is has already been a whole year since my first post. It feels like just yesterday, but also feels like a lifetime ago, time is funny like that.
This whole thing started one day while I was sweeping the kitchen floor. It was during what I like to call the angry times. I was always mad. Literally about anything. So as I was sweeping I was just ruminating on all of the things in life that made me angry. On top of this, I was angry about being angry. I had never before been an aggressive person, so naturally I was frustrated that I was always mad. It was a really healthy cycle.
Around this same time, a few friends of mine had called me out on some crap I was pulling. I have this kind of great ability to hide how I’m really doing. I had thought that this facade I put up was completely unbreakable. For all of my life up until this point I had been able to be in complete control of how much people knew about me. I took pride in always being able to spin the story to deflect people away. Then, a few people entered into my life and shattered every ounce of it. For some reason, they saw right through my crap (of course, that made me angry; another thing I couldn’t control).
See, up until this point in the story, even the people closest to me couldn’t read me. Then, out of left field, I had people in my life who could see right through me and weren’t afraid to tell me so. I had been exposed. I kind of hated it.
So now we have an incredibly angry 20 year old who is dealing with the death of her brother by hiding in an eating disorder and people in her life who tolerate her enough to call her out on her crap. I felt trapped. Every time I wrote in my journal it was just an angry spiral. I didn’t know what to do.
…so back to sweeping. As I swept, I realized (well more from the Lord than me) that I couldn’t hide my story anymore. I also realized one of my biggest frustrations was people not being genuine. No one ever talks about their crap while it was happening. The only logical thing for me to do was to throw my skin in the game. Stop faking it and let people listen to my story as it was happening. Thus, here we are. A year later and I’m still a mess. I still don’t know what’s going to happen next, but for as long as I feel it is appropriate, I will continue to let you in on this journey, trying my best to be honest and real.
so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well. – 1 Thessalonians 2:8
That is the verse I quoted on my very first post (I’d recommend going back to it if you haven’t read it yet, it explains a lot), and it is still true today. I care for you. Each and every one of you. Thank you for caring for me. For encouraging me when things were hard. For constantly praying. For reading my online ramblings. This space has allowed me to see the glory of the Lord at work in my life in a way I could have never imagined. My hope and dream is that somehow, sharing this past year with you has challenged you to live more authentically. To truly look at your life and find the places the God of the universe has come to meet you where you are. I promise you, He is there. He loves you and cares for you. My story has meaning and value because of Jesus Christ, and so does yours. Never be ashamed to share it.
Also, the picture is of a plate full of food that I ate at Friendsgiving this year, it was a big moment for me.